This past month has been one of the hardest that I have had to deal with. My mind has been all over the place...trying to sort out my feelings.....trying to stay open enough to let the Lord deal with me if He chooses...trying to bring myself out of the depression that has come upon me and has been hard for me to shake free from.
For 3 1/2 years, I have been in the throws of ill health. Beginning with a diagnosis of Breast Cancer....going through chemo...loss of hair...and all the uncertainty that settles into our minds when we are told we have the "C" word. After treatment, I thought I would get back to my old self....but that has not happened. I jump from one ailment to another, proof to me that the poison that has to enter our bodies to help one disease can also compromise our bodies in other ways. I literally have been sick for almost 4 years. And after awhile, it takes its toll on mind, body and spirit. That is where I am right now.
Even though I never lose sight of the fact that I am extremely blessed in so many ways, the burden of being 24/7 ill is just very hard to cope with.
Yesterday marked 1 month since I was diagnosed with Bells Palsy. No matter how hard I have tried to deal with this, I am struggling. With the cancer, there was treatment. With the Bells Palsy, it is more of a wait and see....and in the meantime, I see myself in the mirror everyday. The left side of my face is frozen...the eyelid will not shut and has to be taped to keep it closed when I sleep....the lower lid droops and the eye stares. My face is pulled to the right and I speak with only half of my mouth. I am ashamed that I have not moved past how I feel about it....but it is so physical, so out there for everyone to see. And right now, I am allowing it to effect how I feel about me. I know that is not right. And I have also finally "gotten" that these illnesses are being used to bring me down, by one who is not of God. Armed with that knowledge, for I was finally able to "hear" that piece of information, I am able to move forward now. Another lesson learned.....another growth spurt!!!
Today, my mind feels better.....for it is telling me that I must "give it away". Give it to the Lord....and let it go. Sensibly, I know that even with a misshapen face, I am blessed. I am blessed that there were no tumors shown on my MRI's. I am blessed that it was not a stroke, for I could also be dealing with paralysis of my whole left side of my body. This experience definitely takes my mind to Job and the suffering he went through in his body...and his mind. And he was just like I am right now...warring within himself and trying to figure out how to deal with it...or not. And like Job, I do want to deal with it.
It is so amazing to me the journeys we take in our lives. Some of them are so incredibly awesome!!! and some of them are so very difficult. But even the difficult ones can be beautiful if we leave space for the Lord to allow a work through them.
"But we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope..." Romans 5:3-4
For the past 3 1/2 years, I have been learning a great lesson....TO BE STILL and LISTEN. In so doing, there are wonderful changes that are taking place within. So again, with this new ailment, I am having to back up....be still...and listen. Perhaps this is the only way God has found to get my attention....and hopefully, I will soon do so well at listening He will allow me to once again become well in body. My biggest thankful today is that I at least have finally reached a place of being willing in my heart to let my trials be an asset to me. I may fight for awhile...I may cry buckets of tears and feel like there is no hope at times...but in the end, my mind is steering back to how the Lord works with us... IF WE ALLOW HIM TO!!
I am doing my best to give it all away to Him.....to place it at His feet....for I know that He loves to take care of His children and for them to rely on Him. I want to be a pleasing daughter....so I will keep on working through this and hold on to the knowledge that I will become a better person for it. IT WILL BE WORTH IT ALL!!!