It has been months since I have come here to blog. In the process of time, I had forgotten how to retrieve what I had originally written. Rather than stress over it...for it certainly was not a lost novel...*snicker*...I just took it that I needed to redirect my mind and move forward.
Many of you are aware that over the past few weeks and months, I have been having great trials with my health. Actually, my journey started 3 1/2 years ago...when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Let me just say here, that I have always been a "fall apart" person. I used to imagine how I would react if I were ever to find out that I had a disease that could actually claim my life. I "knew" that I would lay down and give into it out of despair and hopelessness. I have never been a particularly emotionally stable person. Not something I like to admit right here to everyone, but sharing may be helpful to others.
Of course, for a couple of days, I had a meltdown. No one wants to hear the "C" word!! But, I was about to find out that the Lord was going to create in me a new person through the trials I was fixing to go through...if I was willing to be still and listen.
In the past, I would have screamed, thrown a fit, did the "why me"...and "it's not fair" scene. Instead, I had the most peaceful attitude and my thoughts were "why not you"?....."why would you be any different than any other human"? I KNEW that the Lord had placed that kind of thinking within me....because that was just not me. My heart began taking on changes throughout the chemo process that caused me to have a desire to pay attention to what was happening to me so that, hopefully, I would be able to be a help and comfort to those who would surely follow after me. I asked the Lord to prepare me to be a servant to Him and others in this area.
I have always wanted to be a benefit to the Lord....and to His people. However, I did very little to move in that direction, which I am ashamed to admit. So, with this disease entering my life, I now had a chance to sort of redeem myself and "get with the program".....and that is what I set out to do.
To say that the Lord was more than merciful to me is an understatement. The changes in these 3 1/2 years of my carnal and spiritual heart have been amazing.....and I LOVE IT !!!! I LOVE ME !!
On May 4th, I will be entering a new phase of my life....I will be turning 60 years old!!! ( HOLD ON WHILE I HAVE A FREAK OUT MOMENT!!!! *snicker) Yes, it is a bit frightening to me. I wish I could back up 30 years...but that's not going to happen. So my choices are to sit still...or move forward...and for the first time in my life....I am choosing to move forward.
As I was saying, I love who I am becoming. You would really have to know me very well to know why those words mean so much to me. Before I went through Cancer, I did not like me....and would never have chosen me to be a friend to. How sad is that??? But it is true. Through circumstances in my life...through my not moving forward as I entered adulthood...through not taking the wonderful teachings at church and using them like I should....I only became more bitter....more hardened towards everything and everybody....even at times, towards God. All signs of a very immature "christian".
Here is where God's Mercy Amazes Me!!! He always stayed in my heart. He never let me go, though there was one point in my life that I thought He had left me......and I was devastated. Over these past few years, I have finally been able to FEEL and KNOW that I am loved....by God....by my husband....my children and grands.....and by FRIENDS. FRIENDS!!!! that is such a new word to me....so much better than acquaintances....so close and so personal. *sigh*
God has given me so much in such a short amount of time. So, for me, it is ok that Breast Cancer entered my life. It is ok that I am now going through the ravages of Bells Palsy. I do not care because it is working on the inside of what was so cold and hard and bringing out something that even I am amazed at. And I LOVE IT!!! OH MY GOD.....I LOVE IT!!!!
TO BE USED OF GOD IS MY DESIRE.....WHATEVER IT TAKES!!!